Toilet Paper
by rct
Summary: Relena and the Gundam boys are out of toilet paper! How far will Relena extend their lack of sleep in her malicious cruelty and constipation? Read it, just because it's called Toilet Paper.


This is my first time in the Gundam Wing section, so it's all right if you've never heard of me. If you like this one, please read my other stories; they're fascinating, really.  
  
I don't really see the need for a disclaimer. I mean, this is FanFiction.net. If this was an original story, it wouldn't be here. Think about it.  
  
Toilet Paper  
  
Chapter 1 - Crisis  
  
Heero was peacefully asleep when a shrill, unpleasant sound reached his ears.  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOO! GET UP! I CAN'T FIND ANY TOILET PAPER!"  
  
Heero squeezed his eyes shut and pretended to be asleep.  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOO! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Heero stuck his head under his pillow.  
  
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Heero finally got up just to stop the horrible sounds. He stumbled toward the bathroom, where he found Relena with her legs crossed, jumping up and down. "Heero! We're out of toilet paper! My bladder is going to explode and then I'll DIE!"  
  
Heero brightened momentarily, but regained his bland expression when Relena's eyes narrowed. "Heero, I demand that you take me to a bathroom with toilet paper instantaneously!"  
  
"Can't you use the other bathroom?" he asked reasonably.  
  
"NO! I TOLD YOU WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER! I MEANT THAT WE HAVE NOOO TOILET PAPER IN THE HOUSE! DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?"  
  
Heero recoiled. Roused by the extreme volume of the princess's outburst, several other Gundam pilots stuck their heads out of their rooms.  
  
"What the hell is going on out here?" Duo asked blearily.  
  
"I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER, DAMMIT!"  
  
Duo blinked. "I'm going back to bed."  
  
"Oh no you don't," Relena declared. "Everyone in this house is going to suffer until I get some toilet paper."  
  
Quatre, who had been watching the interplay, suggested, "Why dosen't Heero just drive you to a restaurant or gas station where they have a bathroom with toilet paper?"  
  
Relena snarled, "That's exactly what I said! Why dosen't anyone ever listen to me around here?" Glowering, she turned to Heero, who backed away. "YOU! TOILET PAPER! NOW!"  
  
"I hate you, Quatre," Heero muttered.  
  
"Glad to be of service," Quatre grinned, slipping back inside his room.  
  
"NOT ON MY WATCH!" Relena shouted, pulling Quatre bodily into the hall. "I said I would make everyone suffer, and I meant it! You," she turned to Duo, who jumped and muffled a shriek, "wake up those other guys! EVERYONE'S coming with me to get toilet paper!" Glaring evilly, she subsided.  
  
Duo nervously woke up Trowa and Wufei, and explained the situation. "Stupid woman," muttered Wufei. "Why don't we throw her out?"  
  
"Well, this IS technically her mansion, you know?" Duo felt compelled to explain. "And seeing as how we're all lazy teenage jobless bums, we wouldn't be able to continue being lazy teenage jobless bums if not for Relena."  
  
"Oh, so that's why we don't hack her into little bits, burn the remains, and scatter the ashes into the wind," said Wufei, enlightened. "I had forgotten."  
  
When everyone was ready, Relena marched them to her pink limousine and motioned Heero to the driver's seat. The other pilots looked worried, given Heero's known suicidal tendencies. Heero retained his bland expression as he took the wheel. "Where to, Relena?" he intoned.  
  
"That's 'to where,' actually," Quatre pointed out helpfully.  
  
"SILENCE!" yelled Relena. "Heero, we're going to Minachetini's Grand Exquisite Italian-Like Food Restaurant with Free Bathroom Accessibility and Toilet Paper."  
  
"That certainly fits the description," Duo agreed.  
  
They set off in silence, mainly due to Relena's habit of shrieking incessantly at any pilot bold enough to attempt a whispered conversation.  
  
Finally, they arrived, much to their relief, still alive. Their newfound relief remained unvoiced as Heero glared homicidally around him.  
  
Relena marched forcefully to the doors of the establishment. The pilots followed her warily. They had good cause, as she suddenly shrieked, "WHAAAAAT? IT'S CLOOOOSED?" She beat manically on the wooden doors, finally breaking her ankle with a careless kick. "OWWW! STUPID DOOR! I'M SUEING!" Relena fell over as she tried to kick the door with her other foot.  
  
"Yes!" whispered Duo frantically to the other pilots. "Now is our chance! We can drive off while she's incapacitated and escape!"  
  
Unfortunately, his clever plan was foiled when Relena began screaming and Heero dutifully assisted her. Duo muttered obscenities as she was carried to the car.  
  
After everyone had grudgingly piled in, Relena demanded that Heero take her to the Ritz. They would certainly have bathroom facilities, she explained brightly.  
  
Relena had fixed a smile on her face, and was twitching regularly every 79 seconds. Quatre dared to whisper to Trowa, "Do you think she's finally lost it?" Trowa blinked in reply. "That's what I thought," Quatre said, greatly relieved.  
  
It took them only 19 minutes and thirty-four seconds to reach the Ritz. Heero obligingly supported Relena, and glared at Duo in a way that fully conveyed his meaning. Duo flinched involuntarily and helped the terrifying princess hobble along. Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei trailed nervously behind. When they heard Relena's horrible shriek, which had in it a new edge of constipation, Quatre muffled a scream, Trowa blinked, and Wufei reflexively reached to his gun pocket.  
  
Relena, whose ankle had swelled to an unbecoming purplish color, was carried back to her pink limousine. Quatre warily suggested, "Perhaps we should get the princess some medical attention?"  
  
Relena's head wrathfully spun to face him, eyes glowing. Quatre shrieked and jumped on Trowa, who carefully removed him. "You dare to question ME, Princess Relena, sovereign of the universe and three-time winner of the Most Annoyingly Gullible and Obsessive Queen of the World contest? YOU, a mere plebe?"  
  
Quatre cowered, his arms shielding his head. "N-no, Miss Relena! Never!" He shook as Relena sat back in her seat, content with his terrified assertation. Trowa patted him on the head.  
  
Heero inquired of Relena their destination. She crossed her legs tightly and winced the wince of those who are in desperate need of a toilet. "Heero," she said hesitantly, "what place with a bathroom do you think would be open at-" she paused to consult her wristwatch, "4:27 AM?"  
  
Heero replied stolidly, "There's always Wal-Mart."  
  
Relena was shocked. "The PLEBE store?"  
  
"You do need a bathroom, princess," he said blandly.  
  
Relena sat back resignedly. "Very well," she snapped. "Plebe-Mart." She sighed.  
  
Once again, Relena tolerated no conversation on the ride, the four non-driving pilots glancing at her with terrified dread. However, their addled brains finally remembered that they knew Morse Code.  
  
"I think she's going mad," Quatre tapped, nonchalantly, on the window.  
  
"You may be right," Duo idly rapped his foot on the floor.  
  
"Can we kill her now?" Wufei unexpectedly joined in, his pencil hitting the door handle.  
  
"STOP THAT INTOLERABLE RACKET!" Relena shouted. Fortunately, it was at that time that they reached Wal-Mart.  
  
Heero, and, at Heero's withering glance, Duo, carried Relena inside. The few caffeine-addicted shoppers there shot them funny glances.  
  
"Excuse me," Relena said sunnily to a Wal-Mart employee from Heero's arms, "where is the ladies room?"  
  
The employee pointed mutely, terrified.  
  
"Thank you," said Heero blandly. The employee twitched and backed away.  
  
The princess and her pilot escort proceeded to the restroom. Heero and Duo stopped at the door, staring pointedly at the sign.  
  
"It'll be all right," Relena assured them. "No one will be in there! It's 4:30 in the morning! And I REALLY REALLY hafta go!" Duo swallowed in anticipation of pain, and he and Heero carried Relena inside.  
  
"We'll just wait out here, then," Quatre called, relieved, as the door shut. The three pilots stood idly, happy to be out of Relena's clutches. A high-pitched shriek came from within, followed by much banging and thumping, concluding with Heero and Duo pushed bodily out of the restroom.  
  
"I'll be all right!" Relena's voice sounded. "I can crawl!"  
  
A large woman stalked huffily through the door, pausing to smack Heero and Duo before striding off.  
  
"Geez," Duo muttered, rubbing his cheek, "she didn't have to kick me there."  
  
"Count your blessings," Heero said. "She only got you once."  
  
Quatre and Wufei sweatdropped. Trowa blinked.  
  
The pilots waited nervously for Relena to finish. After what seemed like an eternity of whispered comments and Morse Code communication, Relena banged on the inside of the door and called, "Let me out, dangit!"  
  
"Ah, I see she's herself again," Duo observed.  
  
"DON'T THINK I DIDN'T HEAR THAT, BUDDY!"  
  
Duo cursed and attempted to sidle off, but Trowa caught the back of his shirt.  
  
Heero opened the door and assisted Relena to her foot.  
  
"Did you wash you hands, princess?" Quatre asked.  
  
She turned on him once more, eyes blazing. He shrieked and succeeded in hiding behind Trowa. "I'll deal with you later, Mr. Helpful," she growled.  
  
"Can we go home yet?" Duo asked plaintively, still attached to Trowa's hand by his shirt.  
  
"I'll consider it," Relena sniffed. Heero's frightening gaze turned this time to Wufei, who glared back but supported Relena. In this manner they conducted the princess to her limousine. Trowa walked behind, frog-marching Duo; Quatre hung about his neck.  
  
For what the pilots hoped was the last time, they piled into the limo.  
  
"Home, Relena?" Heero asked in a bland voice that almost sounded hopeful.  
  
"Not a chance," Relena said evilly.  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
I'm working on the second chapter, so just review and be polite. No whining, if you will. Actually, you can't really whine, as such, while you're typing. An interesting fact to point out at parties. They probably won't run away too far. 


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